Thinking just hurts
Here in my
Eternal freeze but
Really what do I deserve? Please
Ensure me that this
Insanity will someday leave
Nothing adds up when I’m
Loving my afflictions
In and out of
every thing, the world cannot
Satisfy me and my convictions

Taking my thoughts aside
Hearing sirens in the distance
Excruciating compromise
Can I truly risk this?
Only time, they say can tell
My distinction and my purpose
Planned out however well you’re still
Lying if you say
It’s not all worthless so
Carry me home
And please put me to bed I
Think I need to be alone
Inside my room and my head
Oh what a tragedy that
No one will ever see

Ominous clouds hung over our
Heads on this deeming afternoon. you ask
Who am i? but really, who the fuck are you? do you
Heal the sick? turn water to wine?
And if you know either of those
Tricks, i’ll lend you my time. but so far
All i’ve seen-it don’t even warrant my nod so
Take your bullshit down the street where they’ll all
Regard you as god. you’re
Another page that stays dusted under my bed. you’re a
Growing pain from which i bled. you’re
Everything i maintain i’ll be
Damned before i am
You’re so far from me and
Now baby i can push you alldaway
Out i’ll pushya alldaway
Out you
Name dropping
Excuse makin
Wanna be
Imitation
Lovers quarrel they never
Love are you sore now have you had
Enough
Vengence is nothing but proof i cared so ill
End this if you only swear to never again
Reason with the monster who
Stole your soul and
Excuses your awful art and you should be
Executed for calling this art

Invisible words are escaping from my mouth
Now I turn to you requesting that you call them out
So you ask me what the hell I am talking about but
I don’t know a goddamn thing so just
Dance with me while I sing cause I can’t
Ever say anything without a
Melody and then
You yell at me like I
Really have a choice here while
On the verge of breaking down
Or maybe it’s just my voice, dear
Making your pretty lips frown so let me just
Answer your accusing questions one at a time and then can we dance
Near the band and finish our wine? Cause I
Don’t have the patience, and only a dwindling bank of reason and rhyme and
More so the way this will go is many more
Yeses than nos so
Hold your breath for another girl at another show
Escaping each dawn, my words wake and make a run for it
And so i carry on, persisting while
Done with it

Can’t you be
A little less like me?
Really this is
Ruining my perception of
You, it’s become redundant and
Mundane and
Even if I used to want it just
Hear me out, I used to be a lot less sane
Oh believe it or not, I used to be a lot less sane but
More over, when I’m sober
Everything looks black and white
And while spirited I’m her, yes you know her, galloping from
Night to night
Dancing through the shots and
Parading around the bar why don’t you just
Look at me with the might you’ve got and
Entertain me as to who you
Are
Slowly I snap back into the swing of things and I’m
Encouraging this incessant
Partying but you can bet that
Under the radar I
Take my time
Memorizing
Each face by its
Tone and its line spoken
Outloud
Beneath the roar of the crowd
Everyone knows that when you
Drink you go blind and
I am no exception
To the long withstanding phrase that you
Hear what you want and
If you’ve been taking notes, you’ll find your way BUT
Not one soul is watching and really, only you
Know that the point
Is totally irrelevant
Now cry and run home
Everyone is so afraid of
Everyone, it’s so insane but when you
Don’t even know my name don’t
Tell me how to run my show
On this so far from fateful evening
Breathing is not prolific, sir, it’s breathing and
Even if you want to make your
Art out of pure shit I’m sure
Lots of your friends will feel so
Obliged and tell you that they love it and the
Next day you will feel so goddamn proud just like
Every other oh so enchanted person in this crowd

Put you’re your fucking car keys down and
Listen to my shaking song
All this time I’ve planned to leave town on the
Next bus that comes along and I
Never
Ever intended to hear the
Dissonance in this suburban tale that’s been presented
On the brinks of the towns where
Ultimate doom resides
There’s no mediator around to
Help the kids understand at night the
Ominous stories being told of
Winning and losing souls
Every child has been and is sold there’s
Vomit creeping up my throat
Enjoy the taste of what I think of you in my mouth
Release to me the antidote
Wave your hands and shake it out
Eventually this too will pass but
Like you want it to, I doubt and not
Like you think it will
You’re
Out
Under the deck
Reciting your case
Entering in a wreck
Looking white in the face
You swear to me that now you’ve seen
Into the homes of the silenced
Now you need a stronger crutch you see you’ve
Grown so spineless

If I could only show you this picture diary
Flipping its pages in my memory
You would surely then desire me
Our heavenly stars, you’d capture them for me
Unusual request but if I just
Say it out loud to your face the
Anxieties will all go away
You just never know
If it’s worth the whistle blow if you
Take the road before your eyes or
Stay a minute and analyze the
Notions that have forever held you down
On top of the weight you carried around
The time has come for you to undress
And breathe
Listen
Love, just
Wake and bring yourself to me

Our union is a static one
Recoiled
Too afraid of the dark
Holding on as the others run
Like neighbors from the country club park when you
Eased your mal-tempered voice on me but
Stopped and cried finally and
Said that you’re afraid you’ve never known me

Over the hills of the countryside I ran
Not from the dusk but from the
Lowering skies
You waited for me to tell you
That I was fine but
In my escaping, I lost track of time

Maybe I will camp out here in the woods
Embarrass my family, being
The cliche child so misunderstood
Hearing every sound a song and
Every word a poem
You were right along when you
Said I would never come home

Antithetical stilling peace
Yielding only at the banks of release
Cabernet made me this way
And yes I know you love to say that’s
Nothing but an excuse so just wait
Til your veins are begging for it, too this
Engagement is off I had a
Long talk with
Love and we have
Mutually decided this- will be better for
Your wife, unaware of your mistrress
Don’t dare follow me through the trees today
Instead, go to your bed and lay
Safely with someone who will guard your heart rather
Than chase a stranger who will rip it apart
If you
Need an apology, ask yourself what for? You
Can always cleanse yourself in the morning from
The night before and
If you need to spread your love around
Ornament your obsessions with the
Nice girls
At the pub downtown and if you
Never want to see my face again
Don’t be so quick to think your resentment is unique
Many before
You have ran shouting from these trees
Pull yourself together, dear, before this
Upwelling fury catches wind of your fear it’s getting
Really, really hot in here. I can see the
Pulsation of your heart through your chest In the mirror
Oh, my hands are decaying you, I can
See your bones when I touch you…it will be the
End of you if I ever love you

Even if I hold my breath and count 1, 2, 3 there’s still
X Y Z right behind me
Catching up with my anxiety
Recommending to me variety to
Undo these boredom plagued days
Calling out my birth given name and
In between screams they
Announce that this isn’t a game and
They tell me this isn’t a dream and that
I should stop with the charade and
Now im in my favorite place to be:
Guilt-ridden because of my fantasies I
Crossed the lines and I
Omitted wrong and right and that’s why
My fantasies instead of yours have been
Perfected and brought to life
Remorse, my distant cousin
Only now stops to call me he
Must have done his research and maybe on the
Internet he saw me
Skipping down the streets
Ecstatic with my sister, hedonism –but why must he
Call me? Why not my brother,
Absolute realism who has
Neglected to
Indulge himself and despite
Reality he has lost himself in his
Eternal pursuit of
All that is pure
List for me again the reasons why
List them just once more
You just have to understand that
Religion requires only faith, just like any other
Invention
Still born, you can be saved but
Kissing me doesn’t make anything go away, it doesn’t mean
That you love me or
Hate me just the same because it’s all
Irrelevant –you know, you
Shouldn’t believe everything ‘they’ say

Tomorrow you’ll feel the warmth of the stillness in the night
And I will bite my lip and I will squeeze my eyes shut real tight
Knowing I’m battling with depression as
If my life is on the line and
Nothing I know proves it couldn’t be so I’m not
Gonna waste any of my time
Misplaced I was laying cold
You might say a little unlikely but
There’s something about having control that
Has had me adventuring nightly

Oh but this isn’t the first time that someone I thought
Understood got up and crossed the line
Greeted me from the other side of the fence
Held my hand and his breath
Taunted me with visions skewed
Serenaded me with a tune decorated with notes
Ascending toward the hotel ceiling
Say it again, but say it this time with some feeling

In your dreams you’ve envisioned me
Doing what I am to you
Endlessly you’ve turned to me
And asked me what I think of you
Now we’re here so you’re paradoxically paralyzed
Dead plans and still hands are
Hanging at my side I’m
Eager to hear what your excuse is this time

And in the taxi ride home on the morning after
Ruthlessness came to me and from all that
I gather you can
Negotiate and
Go to any length you wish but
Someday you too will substitute your
Intelligence for selfishness

Rendering your stories
Encircled by absolution we teach you that
Nothing ever stays the same those like us will

In a cold sweat I’m buried in
Negligence
And you’re very
Nice to come here and carry me
Down the stairs and
Over Jesus, Joseph, and Mary
Until our final dying day
Taking its last breath from us
Only to, at the end, smile and say
For all of the times you were generous your
Efforts have no meaning
Vicious? Yes, but you’re bleeding from your
Ears, that’s why you can’t hear the cantor leading the congregation through
Revival so I tell
You to imagine the worst. Now
Take that and imagine worse. That’s
How far gone I am- does it really make a difference if
I’m gifted or cursed?
Never in the average, always
God’s anointed selfless last or the devil’s selfish first
Tell myself to walk outside, would you please
Hold my place in line?
Eventually I’ll make my way back but
Who knows if I’ll be in time
Or if such a ludicrous idea
Really exists you know you don’t have to
Listen to this
Darling, feel free to just dismiss my
Constant
Aching
No body else is watching cause
No body else gives a damn
Our secrets are here for the
Taking but
Sadly you have been mistaking
All of this gossip for who I actually am
This melodramatic staging of salvation
Is in dire need of intermission
So lets rise against this
Frivolous storyline
You and
Me
Exiting cause we’re doing just fine
And we’d sooner
Need our

Drunken driving publicized than
Make ourselves once more apologize for these
Years of bohemian ecstasy
Courting their way through the closed door
Outlandishly caressing the asshole taking
Notes til his aged fingers are sore
Venom
Is a
Conniving
Term-as
If we wouldn’t all prefer to take
Our prey as easily as the
Never failing
Snake

No I can’t say I knew better cause
On the contrary I knew worse come
To think about it I knew first yet
Here I am dispensing my
Inability to turn to you and tell you
No you are in fact guilty so you’ve
Gotta gotta give it up cause you’ve
Already got me
Damning myself to hell
Dressed up in vulnerability and I’m
Sulking under the sheets
Under the velvet sky
Please just don’t remind me that
well nothin i say can change your mind
Have been wondering I’m still
Elaborating on my fantasies again
Negotiating every why and when and how yes
I do this to myself master of
Manipulating blame but I really cannot tell if it’s
Love
Or loathing that I hate
Vicariously living through this reflection of a girl who is
Insisting upon dividing then conquering the world
Necessities are thinning
Giving room to the quiet
Maybe if I disappear
You will also try it
And we’ll leave these wars historical
Facilitating the articulation
From the hollows of the rhetorical to the
Loudening drums demanding speculation
Incorporating what is to come
Can I truly need someone
Too charming to regret what he’s done so self
Involved that once the breaking back down has begun
Only spirals skip down these
Narrow halls dimly lit
Sometimes you just take then take whatever you can get

Resiliency is my forte if you
Ever question why
All of this hasn’t been killing me
Let me show you the way you must
Learn to detach
Yourself and put no
Weight on expectations
Held that will surely
Antagonize your ambition and
Tear you limb to limb the
Devil is in the detail, go
Out and listen to him
Indinginous to these
Damaging flames he knows my scent and
Even my middle name
So we stroll along the
Evening lakeside and we
Row in circles while
Victory hides and we
Entrap ourselves in these
Juxtaposed tides and
Undo our unimpressed impressions inside
Show me what you mean if you’re certain
That I can’t see
Everything here that’s suffocating me
Never intervene, draw your curtain
Sing to me, now boys decide
Unanimously, unanimously
Remember that reason has no place in lust like
Engagement, strength, companionship, and trust and
Maybe you would have had
Enough if you
Too had mistaken lust for love and these days
He waits outside for his taxi to arrive
Insisting that he’s coming for me and I
Sit inside informing him that
I won’t oblige and that the very concept is
Numbing to me and
So here we are
Another lesson learned
Near and far politely and turn
I hear you over and over call out my name, encircling your guilt and
This dusk on the lake and as
You turn to
Walk away you recall all the times when
I would say
Let me show you the way
Let me show you the way
So every man is an island
Out there running around in the rain, volunteering to all who will listen
My first and
Even my middle name

Always making it complicated
You’re better off alone
Love will find you whether or not it’s fated
Each to his own but
All of us are islands, there is no bell to toll
Voyage to your highest spot
Each for his own soul.